I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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