Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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