I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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