she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
