i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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