do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
