I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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