come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize