I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize