He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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