she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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