1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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