I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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