no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
