I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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