Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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