I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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