So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we're making bets on your personal life
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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