I think I am morally bankrupt
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
