dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
