I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
