if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
