well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
