my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
