if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
