Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
