I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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