Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
