When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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