Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We just shotgunned beers for America
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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