There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
