please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
