I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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