Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize