I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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