You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
