well I can't set my house on fire every night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize