Can Purell be used as lube?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
