My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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