plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
