Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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