In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize