i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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