I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
