Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
