when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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