I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
