someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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