ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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