Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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