Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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