who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
