the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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