I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
