I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
